Monday, March 28, 2016

An Open Letter To My Abuser

I've sat here for a few hours now staring at this blank page unsure of how to even begin.  Do I begin by explaining myself? By defending my actions? By telling the whole story front to back?  I don't believe there's enough time in the day to tell my whole story.  I honestly didn't know the extent of my psychological trauma and heartbreak when I left you.  Now that I'm becoming reacquainted with myself, it breaks my heart more and more by the day that I let you destroy my light, my entire self. 

You see, I let it happen.  And while it was entirely your fault for controlling my every move, suffocating my spiritual self, dictating who I spoke with, and even how I presented myself to the world... I let you do it to me.  And that's the hardest part for me to accept.  You see, I never truly loved you.  Not even for a moment.  You convinced me in a moment of weakness that I needed you to survive.  Maybe I did need you in that brief moment, but let's be real here - you never did a thing for me.  There were a few times that you did things like chores, but frankly speaking, you never once did those to contribute to our relationship.  You did those for blow jobs and head pats.  I know you're sitting here disagreeing with every word you're reading and that's okay.  That was always your way.  I know you're complaining to everyone you know that I'm crazy and that I was the abusive one - I want you to know that it's okay for you to think that way too, even though it's your own delusion.  You told me the same of your past lovers.  I'm sure that I've hurt you too from your point of view.  But I also want you to know that it was all your fault.  You were the one that caused the both of us this pain, no matter how you recall your delusions.

I've deleted almost everything from my life that reminded me of you, as much as I could, because my trauma is too deeply rooted for proof of your existence to remain in my life.  I've avoided this space of the internet as long as I could to see if I felt any different about deleting it, but I don't.  This will forever remain the one and only post remaining on this blog of mine that I so tenderly tried to devote my energies toward and you ruined it.  Just like you ruined me.  You took this blog, the one thing that brought me joy in our relationship, and turned it sour.  You stole it from me and molded it into something that you approved of, not something that I was passionate about, and I will forever resent you for it.

I wrote this post for myself.  To put that final nail in the coffin and move forward from your control and looming shadow looking over me.  I'm sure you'll continue to try to log into my emails or routinely check my Facebook, and I can't change that, but I can change the power that I hand to you.  Now, finally, you have none.